I aspire to an open-hearted and effortless generosity. That is not easy, it is the work of one or more lifetimes. For example, recently, when you said you were coming back for the weekend, I made a sarcastic remark like “you could come by and pick me up and I could carry the credit card around”. This is not what I aspire to. I felt disappointed with myself for saying it. It arose out of feelings of insecurity and jealousy. Sometimes I feel that you and Rowyn spend more time at East View than with me and then those feelings arise for me. I think this is called being human. But when, without being aware what I’m doing, I act out those feelings, then it raises feelings in you. Perhaps contributing to your feelings of being undeserving.
Through our good fortune and the efforts and fortunes of our ancestors we enjoy a remarkably luxurious life. We are neither deserving nor undeserving of our fate. Had we lived in Iraq our fortunes might now be quite different. Our actions and efforts matter greatly but there is no accounting and distribution of fate (at least not that we can comprehend): good things happen to people who behave badly and bad things happen to people who behave well. When good things come to you rejoice in them.
I am sympathetic to your desire to earn the money for the things you want. It feels good to know you have the independence and ability to get things you want for yourself. Bear in mind, however, that this is not the stage of your life where getting things for yourself is required of you. You have the opportunity to study and do things that are of interest to you. Can you enjoy that? If you would like to get yourself an iPod that is fine. If you would like some help getting an iPod, I and others would be happy to help.
Is there a place on line where I can find course descriptions of the classes you are taking? I’m interested in finding out more about “Written Discourse”, Leadership, and Modern English Grammar. Math and yoga I figure I know something about already.
To return to my aspirations again for a minute, I mentioned generosity above, it is part of an alphabetical mnemonic of aspirations which I got from “What Color is Your Parachute” (a GREAT book about job hunting). The list is: forgiveness, generosity, gratitude, honesty, integrity, joy, kindness, and love. I find the list much easier to recite than to practice.
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