Saturday January 1, 2005

So it has been a month, and I have been reading other people’s blogs and feeling like I should update mine.  Winter break is over, had a decent Christmas and a fun new year’s eve, although the overall tone has been sort of blue.  Being home is stressful in a very different way from school; family tension, household obligations, gifts, etc.  This Christmas was different because last month my grandmother was diagnosed with a particularly malignant cancer and will most likely not survive until next Christmas.  Right now we are all hoping that she will make it to her 90th birthday in April.  It is tearing my mother apart, and has forced me to face death in a more immediate way than I perhaps ever have.  She has been so vital, so vibrant, so strong and seen so much, that it is hard to imagine her being gone.  I am worried that my family will fall apart, even though we all know on some level that death is inevitable, and at least now we have enough of a time frame to write down stories, and say goodbyes. 

So I’m coming back to Stanford glad to be away from home but feeling bad for leaving home.  Sometimes it feels as though things like choosing classes are so meaningless; I’m not on a mission or a crusade or even a path, and I just keeping taking them because that’s what I’m doing.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m learning, and growing, and I enjoy many of the classes I take, but I wonder where I’m going.  I am blessed to know so many amazing people, that is can be hard not to feel sort of insignificant and pointless.  I want just accept whatever or whoever I am – maybe I am fulfilling some purpose just by living and being a friend and daughter and companion and sister. 

In any case, I’ve been feeling philosophical and introspective but I lack the mental stamina to actual *be* so.  What will this new year bring?  I guess we shall see.

Comments 3

  1. forgetmeknot wrote:

    so sorry to hear about your grandmother, i hope things get better. have a good quarter :)

    Posted 01 Jan 2005 at 20:56
  2. Prismakaos wrote:

    sorry about your grandma…  you seem about as aimless as i was at your age, and i’m doing fine.  still no idea what i want to do, but, y’know.  so it goes.    at least you live near home, and can probably get voltaire to drive you home on the weekends…

    Posted 02 Jan 2005 at 22:32
  3. SoloMio wrote:

    Seeing as how you love music so much, do you know the accapella womens group Sweet Honey in the Rock? They do this beautiful song called “Breaths.” In light of your grandmother’s struggle and your mother’s pain, I thought of it for you…

    BREATHS
    lyrics adapted from the poem by Birago Diop, music by Ysaye M. Barnwell
    (C)1980

    Listen more often to things than to beings
    Listen more often to things than to beings
    ‘Tis the ancestor’s breath when the fire’s voice is heard
    ‘Tis the ancestor’s breath in the voice of the waters.

    Those who have died have never, never left
    The dead are not under the earth
    They are in the rustling trees
    They are in the groaning woods
    They are in the crying grass,
    they are in the moaning rocks
    The dead are not under the earth.

    Listen more often to things than to beings
    Listen more often to things than to beings
    ‘Tis the ancestor’s breath when the fire’s voice is heard
    ‘Tis the ancestor’s breath in the voice of the waters.

    Those who have died have never never left.
    The dead have a pact with the living.
    They are in the woman’s breast,
    they are in the wailing child
    They are with us in our homes.
    They are with us in the crowd
    The dead have a pact with the living.

    Listen more often to things than to beings
    Listen more often to things than to beings
    ‘Tis the ancestor’s breath when the fire’s voice is heard
    ‘Tis the ancestor’s breath in the voice of the waters.

    Posted 07 Jan 2005 at 14:32

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