Saturday January 1, 2005

So it has been a month, and I have been reading other people’s blogs and feeling like I should update mine.  Winter break is over, had a decent Christmas and a fun new year’s eve, although the overall tone has been sort of blue.  Being home is stressful in a very different way from school; family tension, household obligations, gifts, etc.  This Christmas was different because last month my grandmother was diagnosed with a particularly malignant cancer and will most likely not survive until next Christmas.  Right now we are all hoping that she will make it to her 90th birthday in April.  It is tearing my mother apart, and has forced me to face death in a more immediate way than I perhaps ever have.  She has been so vital, so vibrant, so strong and seen so much, that it is hard to imagine her being gone.  I am worried that my family will fall apart, even though we all know on some level that death is inevitable, and at least now we have enough of a time frame to write down stories, and say goodbyes. 

So I’m coming back to Stanford glad to be away from home but feeling bad for leaving home.  Sometimes it feels as though things like choosing classes are so meaningless; I’m not on a mission or a crusade or even a path, and I just keeping taking them because that’s what I’m doing.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m learning, and growing, and I enjoy many of the classes I take, but I wonder where I’m going.  I am blessed to know so many amazing people, that is can be hard not to feel sort of insignificant and pointless.  I want just accept whatever or whoever I am – maybe I am fulfilling some purpose just by living and being a friend and daughter and companion and sister. 

In any case, I’ve been feeling philosophical and introspective but I lack the mental stamina to actual *be* so.  What will this new year bring?  I guess we shall see.

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