Basic summary = statement of the obvious:

Life is complicated.

It is 3 AM and I have to get up before 9 tomorrow morning. I have not finished my math problem set, started my physics problem set, or written any of my IHUM essay, all of which are due before 5 PM on Friday afternoon. This is bad.

I have been distracted this evening by conversations about relationships. Everywhere I turn, there is discontent. Singles who want to be in a relationship, people in relationships who are worried about them or confused about them, people who don’t want to be in relationships that other people want to be in with them. Maybe there is something in the air, the springtime in the Bay Area, but everyone seems caught up in it. No one wants to be left out. And I hear stories and people tell me things that I’m not sure I want to hear, but which I probably should hear because it is the real world. I know I have friends who would understand if I explained my discomfort, but there is only one person to whom I really feel I could talk about it, but I can’t talk to this person. Such is life. Where is the sanity? Where have the days of sardines and the Emperor’s New Groove gone? Why am I surrounded by people who want careers, people who want physical relationships…people who are not like me. What am I anyway? Am I really that much of a loner? I’m hardly antisocial but it is hard to find people who not only think like me but feel like me as well. Which is an important distinction. I find some of one or the other in most of my friends, but both is hard. Which isn’t to say I think I’m particularly unusual, just that I can feel isolated. I want someone to explain myseslf to me, but if no one else knows quite what it is like to be me, how can they do that?

I know tomorrow will be an awful day, but it will pass. I just want to get better, get through this quarter, and recenter myself before I totally lose my grip on something, a possibility to which I feel all too close sometimes. But really, it is all self-inflicted. I blame no one but myself, but I do not learn my lessons easily. Perhaps this time. Perhaps. What will it take?

Comments 7

  1. scott wrote:


    Posted 04 Mar 2004 at 12:44
  2. ellen wrote:

    Word? O_o

    But anyways…
    I hear you.

    I hear your pain and confusion.
    And I say this:

    It won’t get any better.

    And relationships suXX0r.

    Posted 04 Mar 2004 at 15:40
  3. scott wrote:

    and again i say, “word”.

    Posted 04 Mar 2004 at 20:45
  4. scott wrote:

    …although with due regard for the fact that things might get better.

    Posted 04 Mar 2004 at 20:46
  5. scott wrote:

    at the risk of being a horrible doubleposter, i would just like to add to that last one, “though probably not.”

    just ’cause… we’re always gonna be confused like this. I’m a legal adult, and if it hasn’t gotten better by now, i don’t forsee it improving much. In the emotional state vs. age chart goes, with age being the independent variable, i think i’ve pretty much hit the platau… what i’ve got now is all i’ve got, as they say…

    but yes. So. Word, although with due regard for the fact that things might get better, though they probably won’t. But they might.

    yes. There. Perfect.

    Posted 04 Mar 2004 at 20:48
  6. ellen wrote:

    actually it is a scientifically proven fact that on average people do not emotionally mature until, like, 25 or so.

    …be happy…

    Posted 07 Mar 2004 at 02:12
  7. bryan wrote:

    i hear ya…and life will get better. sometimes i wish it would improve right when you wish it to, though

    Posted 07 Mar 2004 at 13:10

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